Lost, but Never Forgotten

Last night I found out that a good friend passed away months ago. We had had no mutual friends, so it wasn't something I would have heard through the grapevine. It hurt the most because I knew he was depressed. I knew he was hurting and santed to be there for him. Then I became very self-involved because my marriage was falling apart.

One of the days I was crying and blubbering and thinking only of how sorry I was for myself, Chris committed suicide. A brief week after I had last spoken to him.

Specialist Christopher Alan Akin was a friend. Someone I had looked up to and admired since I was 15. He was always kind and made friends so easily. He was smart. Brilliant, in fact. And I loved him. He was one of the first guys I knew and was actually friends with that I had had a crush on. And the one I was sure would always be out of my league. And he was.

Over time, my love grew and changed. It was still love, though not the love I had for James, it was love, nonetheless. It was a full and pure love. The love of a friend and admirer without the taint of physical intimacy.

Every time he came back to town, he stopped at my old home. Even after learning that I had moved, he kept stopping in and would visit with my family. He helped Mom out around the house and yard, talked about video games with my little brother.. He was an admirable man.

In the Army, Chris was a medic. In my life, Chris was a hero. He remembered me when I was forgotten (oh how dramatic we teenagers are), and found me when I was lost. We hadn't reconnected for long before he left, but I will always be touched by this man. He will never be forgotten.

G'Kar: I believe that when we leave a place, part of it goes with us and part of us remains. Go anywhere in the station when it is quiet, and just listen. After a while, you will hear the echoes of all our conversations, every thought and word we've exchanged. Long after we are gone, our voices will linger in these walls for as long as this place remains. But I will admit that the part of me that is going will very much miss the part of you that is staying.

Chris, you are loved and remembered. Every Arby's, bookstore and coffee shop remind me of you. Everytime I hear the word "elf" or see a ducktape masterpiece, I will remember you with a smile and a tear in my eye. The few memories I have, I cherish. Just because they are few does not mean they are not precious.

As this baby grows and I start to potty train, I will think of that birthday, so many years ago, in the children's section of that bookstore. (I wonder if I can find that book?) I will remember that night and smile, because you showed me that we can still trust in people, still laugh and smile and have an amazing time without spending money.. That may have been the simplest birthday celebration I have ever had, but it is my favorite by far. And sweeter still because you remembered.

I will never forget.

Specialist Christopher Alan Akin, you will be remembered and honored. Chris, my friend, your memory will be treasured.

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Dreams - Breastfeeding

Last night I dreamed that Julian was here. I was holding my little raven-headed beauty and he was hungry. We were in a room I am not familiar with, but that felt comfortable and had a comfy rocker in one corner by a window with a lace curtain. There was a big dresser in the room with a vanity on the back.

Julian was fussing, so I pulled out a breasts to feed him, but he couldn't get anything to come out. So I am playing with my breast, just trying to express the milk and getting nothing. Then, suddenly, it shoots out and sprays cream over the mirror and poor little Julian. Not milk, but cream.

Then I woke up and realized I was in a small puddle of my own colostrum. -.-

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Screwed

I am officially screwed.  I found out today that my bank account itself is being garnished in addition to my paycheck.  So, the $104 paycheck that I received Thursday was not only garnished, but, when deposited into my account, I was garnished $241.79.  How can they more than double my paychecks?!  The only money in the account was already called for!  It was my power bill!  How can they take that?!

Divorce

James has not started the proceedings as he said he would, so, I have decided that it is now necessary to do it myself.  I am tired of waiting and wondering.  When this is finally over, I may not forget.  I may not be happy immediately.  But I will continue moving on until the pictures of his smile, the memory of his touch and voice, and the sight of familiar places don't bring me to tears.

The heart is such a strange machine.  We store those we love in it, but it shows nothing when looked at.  It is always filling, but never full.  Broken, but no cracks can ever be seen, no scars from the breaks are left behind for the eye to see.  And, when in love, it does not shine with a light to blind all passerby and reveal your feelings.  Always, it looks the same.  And, always, it beats on to the end of your days.

My heart is sore.  It is broken and battered, glued and taped back together.  Simulateously, I love.  I can fall in love.  It isn't as earth-shattering as my first great love, but it is love.  Tender and full of promise.  This love will grow.  It will either encompass a new friend or something more.  Only time will tell.  But, love, despite heartache, is one of the greatest mysteries of the human heart in my book.

Single

I have come to the conclusion that I am destined to be alone. Who would want to date a pregnant woman?

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Bad Thoughts

On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is it to have the thought, "Come on, bitch, run me over" when walking across the highway? (At a cross walk when I have the right of way, of course.) Would that be considered suicidal thoughts?

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moving on?

Yesterday I met a really great guy. He is a lot like James. I don't think this is actually me moving on, but it is nice to consider the possibility. I'm sure James has. If only I could keep him from my mind for a bit.. -sigh- No, this isn't moving on. I still love him. And I would turn around in a moment if he asked me.

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Lonely

I can't get him off my mind.  I just want to sit near him.  I want to watch him and listen to him.  Why am I so lonely today?  Why can't I make myself forget?  Why won't my mind let go?  He doesn't want me.  He is happier without me.  I should leave it alone.  I break my own heart too regularly.  Wishing he would come back is too much.  Holding onto his family and friends is pain beyond belief.  I am my own worst enemy.

Dear James

It is a little sad, but I miss just talking to you. Even being near you. It physically hurts sometimes to not be able to share with you my thoughts and the things going on in my life. Any of it--the good and the bad. Though, to be honest, I would try to spare you the bad or depressing.

Daniel and his girlfriend, Aimee, got engaged for Christmas. They found out Aimee was pregnant shortly before Christmas, but he had already decided to propose, so we are happy. Aimee goes in for her gender ultrasound on the 7th. She is so excited. I think they are hoping for a little girl.

Daniel started working for the Boiler Maker's Union. He is really enjoying it, though he hates being so far from Aimee. As soon as he gets back from this job, he and Aimee are going to be looking for an apartment. To be honest, I think Mom will actually miss having them there. She really loves having Aimee around.

I am 21 weeks along now. Lots of belly and very little weight-gain so far. Walking has really been good for me. Though, the people at work make sure I do as little of it as possible. Haha. They are sweet and protective. As soon as they found out I was pregnant, they limited what I could lift and try to keep me from doing too much.

I walk by our old apartment a lot (I live nearby). Ray had it rented out almost immediately after we left, but we were the only change there.

Mom asks after you sometimes. Less and less, but she loves you. Everyone does.

I hear you are doing another fashion show with Nadine and your mom. How exciting! I hope to see lots of pictures. I am sure everything you put forth will be amazing. You are a wonderful tailor. :)

People ask about you at church. They miss you there. I hope you will go back soon.


This divorce is tearing me apart. Every time I think about us staying like this forever, my heart breaks. I never thought I would lose the love of my life. And I definately didn't think it would be losing you that got me Blueberry. Doing this alone is terrifying. I understand why you couldn't come back, but it doesn't make it hurt less. Though, I have lost the need to tell you this wasn't intentional. -- You aren't the only one to believe otherwise and I am worn out from trying to prove my innocence there. Accidental or not, it shouldn't have happened. I won't regret the outcome, though. Blueberry is a miracle. I am sorry, though, that I made you feel as if a baby was all I wanted. I acted horridly and I'm sorry.

No matter, James. We made our choices and life is moving on. Every day I wake up and the world is still turning. The air is growing warmer and pushing for spring, then summer. My belly grows with life and my heart pushes me to get up and work and move. No matter how sad get, I think about this little life and know I have something to live for. God gives us what we need to get through. He knew that I needed something to help me move on without you, soo He gave me Blueberry. I don't know what He has given you, but I know it is good.

I won't profess my love for you, no matter how real, the truth of itwould fall upon deaf ears. You have given me something wonderful, though. I have never been single until now. And, while I can't say I prefer it, I appreciate it. No one can follow you. Not now. Even with the bad, you were my heart's desire. A perfect accompaniment to the melody of my life. But, without you, that melody continues on alone.

Thank you, James, for giving me three of the best years of my life. I will never forget.

Love,
Abebi

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Healthy-Feeding

http://theleakyboob.com/2011/03/healthy-feeding-and-older-children-knowing-when-to-draw-the-line/

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Tired

I am so tired of fighting. What am I fighting for? Blueberry is coming. He never wanted to be "Dad". We agreed he would support Blueberry, but never be known as "Dad". He hasn't wanted to participate in anything up to this point. He participated in the creation of Blueberry, but that is it. Now he is butt-hurt that I picked a name and didn't discuss it with him. (In my defense, I thought I had talked to him, but he insists that I didn't. He is probably right, though, since I seem to be dreaming the things I think I have talked to a couple of different people about.)

Then, he kicks me while I'm down. Since my hours have been getting cut at work, he has been picking up the monetary slack around the apartment. In return, I have been doing more housework and cooking. It isn't the same, but it is what I can do. But, he throws that in my face too?! Really? That's fine, I will leave. Do what you want. I am out. No more trying to make him happy. It is impossible. I have had said not a single bad word against him in three weeks. Now I feel like he is making sure I know my place beneath his heel. This is not happening. I won't let it. I will stay in a shelter before letting him treat me this way. Let his buddy move in.

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