Sometimes I Wonder

iLet's start this off and just say: I know that I'm a horrible mother.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I didn't have children. If I didn't have to constantly insert myself in their arguments or battles. If I didn't have to prevent myself from taking my medication for insomnia so that I can ensure than none of them do something awful while I'm asleep - especially when I am on vacation with them without my nesting partner. 

Part of being a parent is accepting that there are times that you are going to get less sleep or that your sleep may be less restful at times than you would like. That is part of accepting that you are going to be a parent, but parenting a high needs child is especially difficult and those times are even more frequent. 

I have insomnia, so I don't sleep the way my body needs and it is frustrating for me to sleep even with medications, but there are times that I take my medications and my HN child gets up and does awful things. When I am solo-parenting (like when I am on "vacation" without my partner), I feel like I can't take my sleeping medications because I can't trust that my HN child will sleep - well or at all. Even when I think they are asleep, they may be faking it so that I will take my sleeping medication and give them an opportunity to do the thing(s) that they have been prohibited from doing while a parent is awake. 

I realize that being a parent will include days that you don't get the sleep that you need, but I am frustrated and wondering (guiltily) what it would be like to be childless so that I can feel comfortable and not guilty for sleeping when my body can and I need it rather than just when my body allows it (which may not be a time that I am able to based on necessity). 

I want to be able to put my kids to bed and not have to worry that they will be getting up after everyone is asleep to sneak treats or do things that they know they shouldn't/aren't allowed to normally. I want to be able to say that I have a time that I'm not "on-duty" so that I can recharge. But I can't. 

At home, the times that I am "off-duty" mean that my partner has to be doubly vigilant and I end of stressing over every shout or yell or cry despite the fact that I am supposed to be resting. My partner also notices this with their "time off" and has taken to having time out of the house a couple of times a week to make sure that they get time to reset. I, on the other hand, am an introvert and cannot handle time out of the house for very long and don't enjoy spending time with people regularly. The only exceptions being with my partners, but they also have children and I have to be "on-duty" with their children as well as mine, so it doesn't feel like a re-charging period for me. It's frustrating, but that is the truth of the matter.

Maybe I should have ignored my urge to have children - I never considered that they would turn out like my brother and require 24/7 attention with no down time to prevent trouble and mischief - even for sleep - but there you have it. 

I love time with my family, and I love time with my siblings, but I am tired. I am exhausted by the trouble that comes with going away, especially without my nesting partner. And I am tired of being "on-duty" even when I'm supposed to be able to get some rest. It leaves me wanting to cry for hours to purge the excess feelings and emotions. 

Why is parenting this hard?!