Saturday, March 26, 2011
Screwed
I am officially screwed. I found out today that my bank account itself is being garnished in addition to my paycheck. So, the $104 paycheck that I received Thursday was not only garnished, but, when deposited into my account, I was garnished $241.79. How can they more than double my paychecks?! The only money in the account was already called for! It was my power bill! How can they take that?!
Friday, March 25, 2011
Divorce
James has not started the proceedings as he said he would, so, I have decided that it is now necessary to do it myself. I am tired of waiting and wondering. When this is finally over, I may not forget. I may not be happy immediately. But I will continue moving on until the pictures of his smile, the memory of his touch and voice, and the sight of familiar places don't bring me to tears.
The heart is such a strange machine. We store those we love in it, but it shows nothing when looked at. It is always filling, but never full. Broken, but no cracks can ever be seen, no scars from the breaks are left behind for the eye to see. And, when in love, it does not shine with a light to blind all passerby and reveal your feelings. Always, it looks the same. And, always, it beats on to the end of your days.
My heart is sore. It is broken and battered, glued and taped back together. Simulateously, I love. I can fall in love. It isn't as earth-shattering as my first great love, but it is love. Tender and full of promise. This love will grow. It will either encompass a new friend or something more. Only time will tell. But, love, despite heartache, is one of the greatest mysteries of the human heart in my book.
The heart is such a strange machine. We store those we love in it, but it shows nothing when looked at. It is always filling, but never full. Broken, but no cracks can ever be seen, no scars from the breaks are left behind for the eye to see. And, when in love, it does not shine with a light to blind all passerby and reveal your feelings. Always, it looks the same. And, always, it beats on to the end of your days.
My heart is sore. It is broken and battered, glued and taped back together. Simulateously, I love. I can fall in love. It isn't as earth-shattering as my first great love, but it is love. Tender and full of promise. This love will grow. It will either encompass a new friend or something more. Only time will tell. But, love, despite heartache, is one of the greatest mysteries of the human heart in my book.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Single
I have come to the conclusion that I am destined to be alone. Who would want to date a pregnant woman?
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Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Bad Thoughts
On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is it to have the thought, "Come on, bitch, run me over" when walking across the highway? (At a cross walk when I have the right of way, of course.) Would that be considered suicidal thoughts?
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moving on?
Yesterday I met a really great guy. He is a lot like James. I don't think this is actually me moving on, but it is nice to consider the possibility. I'm sure James has. If only I could keep him from my mind for a bit.. -sigh- No, this isn't moving on. I still love him. And I would turn around in a moment if he asked me.
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Saturday, March 5, 2011
Lonely
I can't get him off my mind. I just want to sit near him. I want to watch him and listen to him. Why am I so lonely today? Why can't I make myself forget? Why won't my mind let go? He doesn't want me. He is happier without me. I should leave it alone. I break my own heart too regularly. Wishing he would come back is too much. Holding onto his family and friends is pain beyond belief. I am my own worst enemy.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Dear James
It is a little sad, but I miss just talking to you. Even being near you. It physically hurts sometimes to not be able to share with you my thoughts and the things going on in my life. Any of it--the good and the bad. Though, to be honest, I would try to spare you the bad or depressing.
Daniel and his girlfriend, Aimee, got engaged for Christmas. They found out Aimee was pregnant shortly before Christmas, but he had already decided to propose, so we are happy. Aimee goes in for her gender ultrasound on the 7th. She is so excited. I think they are hoping for a little girl.
Daniel started working for the Boiler Maker's Union. He is really enjoying it, though he hates being so far from Aimee. As soon as he gets back from this job, he and Aimee are going to be looking for an apartment. To be honest, I think Mom will actually miss having them there. She really loves having Aimee around.
I am 21 weeks along now. Lots of belly and very little weight-gain so far. Walking has really been good for me. Though, the people at work make sure I do as little of it as possible. Haha. They are sweet and protective. As soon as they found out I was pregnant, they limited what I could lift and try to keep me from doing too much.
I walk by our old apartment a lot (I live nearby). Ray had it rented out almost immediately after we left, but we were the only change there.
Mom asks after you sometimes. Less and less, but she loves you. Everyone does.
I hear you are doing another fashion show with Nadine and your mom. How exciting! I hope to see lots of pictures. I am sure everything you put forth will be amazing. You are a wonderful tailor. :)
People ask about you at church. They miss you there. I hope you will go back soon.
This divorce is tearing me apart. Every time I think about us staying like this forever, my heart breaks. I never thought I would lose the love of my life. And I definately didn't think it would be losing you that got me Blueberry. Doing this alone is terrifying. I understand why you couldn't come back, but it doesn't make it hurt less. Though, I have lost the need to tell you this wasn't intentional. -- You aren't the only one to believe otherwise and I am worn out from trying to prove my innocence there. Accidental or not, it shouldn't have happened. I won't regret the outcome, though. Blueberry is a miracle. I am sorry, though, that I made you feel as if a baby was all I wanted. I acted horridly and I'm sorry.
No matter, James. We made our choices and life is moving on. Every day I wake up and the world is still turning. The air is growing warmer and pushing for spring, then summer. My belly grows with life and my heart pushes me to get up and work and move. No matter how sad get, I think about this little life and know I have something to live for. God gives us what we need to get through. He knew that I needed something to help me move on without you, soo He gave me Blueberry. I don't know what He has given you, but I know it is good.
I won't profess my love for you, no matter how real, the truth of itwould fall upon deaf ears. You have given me something wonderful, though. I have never been single until now. And, while I can't say I prefer it, I appreciate it. No one can follow you. Not now. Even with the bad, you were my heart's desire. A perfect accompaniment to the melody of my life. But, without you, that melody continues on alone.
Thank you, James, for giving me three of the best years of my life. I will never forget.
Love,
Abebi
Daniel and his girlfriend, Aimee, got engaged for Christmas. They found out Aimee was pregnant shortly before Christmas, but he had already decided to propose, so we are happy. Aimee goes in for her gender ultrasound on the 7th. She is so excited. I think they are hoping for a little girl.
Daniel started working for the Boiler Maker's Union. He is really enjoying it, though he hates being so far from Aimee. As soon as he gets back from this job, he and Aimee are going to be looking for an apartment. To be honest, I think Mom will actually miss having them there. She really loves having Aimee around.
I am 21 weeks along now. Lots of belly and very little weight-gain so far. Walking has really been good for me. Though, the people at work make sure I do as little of it as possible. Haha. They are sweet and protective. As soon as they found out I was pregnant, they limited what I could lift and try to keep me from doing too much.
I walk by our old apartment a lot (I live nearby). Ray had it rented out almost immediately after we left, but we were the only change there.
Mom asks after you sometimes. Less and less, but she loves you. Everyone does.
I hear you are doing another fashion show with Nadine and your mom. How exciting! I hope to see lots of pictures. I am sure everything you put forth will be amazing. You are a wonderful tailor. :)
People ask about you at church. They miss you there. I hope you will go back soon.
This divorce is tearing me apart. Every time I think about us staying like this forever, my heart breaks. I never thought I would lose the love of my life. And I definately didn't think it would be losing you that got me Blueberry. Doing this alone is terrifying. I understand why you couldn't come back, but it doesn't make it hurt less. Though, I have lost the need to tell you this wasn't intentional. -- You aren't the only one to believe otherwise and I am worn out from trying to prove my innocence there. Accidental or not, it shouldn't have happened. I won't regret the outcome, though. Blueberry is a miracle. I am sorry, though, that I made you feel as if a baby was all I wanted. I acted horridly and I'm sorry.
No matter, James. We made our choices and life is moving on. Every day I wake up and the world is still turning. The air is growing warmer and pushing for spring, then summer. My belly grows with life and my heart pushes me to get up and work and move. No matter how sad get, I think about this little life and know I have something to live for. God gives us what we need to get through. He knew that I needed something to help me move on without you, soo He gave me Blueberry. I don't know what He has given you, but I know it is good.
I won't profess my love for you, no matter how real, the truth of itwould fall upon deaf ears. You have given me something wonderful, though. I have never been single until now. And, while I can't say I prefer it, I appreciate it. No one can follow you. Not now. Even with the bad, you were my heart's desire. A perfect accompaniment to the melody of my life. But, without you, that melody continues on alone.
Thank you, James, for giving me three of the best years of my life. I will never forget.
Love,
Abebi
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Thursday, March 3, 2011
Healthy-Feeding
http://theleakyboob.com/2011/03/healthy-feeding-and-older-children-knowing-when-to-draw-the-line/
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